just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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