Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Me too!
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
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