Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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