I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
