Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
