If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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