ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
