You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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