i can't believe i had my finger in that
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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