So drunk its hurt
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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