I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
