you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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