I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
