wakey wakey hands off snakey
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
