Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
