Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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