just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
