I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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