Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
