I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
