Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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