Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
