Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
