Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize