I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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