did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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