Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
