What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
