I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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