Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
