i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
