the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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