Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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