There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You're like the curious george of whores
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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