i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
