No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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