You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
