Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
