Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
