Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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