The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
