just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
