ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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