Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize