Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
