I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
