they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
