I smell stomach acid.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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