I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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