I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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