May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
