mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
