I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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