i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
