and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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