i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
FUCK WHALES
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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