**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
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