This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
